Over recent months I've kept a respectful distance from Colins illness and wanted to give Katie, her Mum and her Sister time to be together. Rhian and Kira have spent a lot of time with him too. If I'm honest I was scared and uncomfortable too.
What I've now found though is that I've not been very prepared for his death and have found myself being a lot more upset than I was expecting. I knew I'd be sad following his death but expected to be more sad for Katie and the Girls as I hate seeing them upset. As it turns out, they're more prepared than I am.
Don't get me wrong, they're still devasted and every now and then it all gets a bit too much for them but I'm finding myself breaking down too. We went round to Katie's Mums yesterday afternoon and silly little things kept bringing me close to tears: he wasn't there, his shoes were still next to the sofa, really nice family pictures that had been taken recently.
We took a walk to the church where his funeral will be held and the church local news already had news of his death and asked for prayers for him and his loved ones. Go back a page and he was on the prayer list for the sick. That had me in tears briefly.
Katie found Kira lying on his bed, with one of his comforters he used while he was ill, holding a photo of him above her head with tears streaming down her face. We didn't think she really understood what was happening and felt she was looking for clues from others as to how she should react but this showed us she understood everything. That was sad.
Katie's Mum then asked me if there was anything of Colins that I would like, that was it, the floodgates opened and that set everyone else off as well.
It's going to be a lot harder than I thought.