Wednesday, August 03, 2005

last CBT before holiday

Yesterdays CBT session was quite tough, mentally. I was concerned that although I'm telling myself I'm not as dependent on the anti-depressants as I thought, I am worried what will happen when I come off them.

In the back of my mind I'm concerned about a comment my boss made about not wanting to lose me for a 3rd period of illness. I don't want that to happen either. We discussed quite a bit about my childhood and how if there was every any arguing or confrontation I would do my best to keep out of it and not get involved. At that age it was my way of dealing with it, by hiding as it where.

I seem to have convinced myself that that's still the answer but the truth is that I'm better equipped now to deal with what life throws at me than I've ever been. I just have to believe it.

I'm going to start keeping a "positive data log". Basically this is evidence to myself of positive things I do. Hopefully acknowledging these things will try to force me to accept that I am good at coping and getting on. I'm not where I am by luck which is what I sometimes believe.

I'm finding all this hard to do at the moment, in a good way. Because I'm not currently letting things get to me and am countering any negative thoughts with positive ones, I'm never getting round to making a point of writing things down.

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