Monday, January 10, 2005


The rest of the weekend didn't get any better. I couldn't face going to a christening yesterday and think Iet it get to me when I should have gone. I just didn't feel like doing anything at all and didn't want to pretend I was fine when talking to other people. I was also worried in case I broke down in front of everyone.

I went into work this morning feeling very sick. I spoke to my GP and made an appointment for 9.40. Unfortunately my boss wasn't there when I arrived so I had to explain my situation to someone else before leaving. I always feel awkward doing this as I find I cannot explain my feelings without getting emotional or feeling that I'm being judged. As it was she was very supportive.

My GP was also very helpful and spent a bit of time with me even though it was only an emergency appointment (read get them in and out quickly). I explained how this was building over recent weeks and I thought I was coping and fending it off. She compared it to something like asthma. The medication just helps me cope with it but will never cure it. There is no medical cure for anxiety, she also mentioned the D word (depression!). I said I wanted to deal with this even if it meant me doing something privately (within reason as I have no private medical insurance).

She said dealing with it would definately be a longer term goal but her immediate aim was to get me back on my feet again, unfortunately this meant medication and worst of all being signed off from work for a week. This was devastating news as although I knew that work was the current trigger there's no way I'd be able to just forget about everything going on. She's given me some beta blockers (Propanalol) to help with the short term jitters and keep me calmer and relaxed. Hopefully I shouldn't need these for more than 2 weeks.

She also gave me a choice. As I mentioned before I had been on Seroxat and luckily had no ill effects. She mentioned that she hadn't been prescribing it as much because of the issues people have coming off of it (I took over 3 months last time). She said I could use that again or try a new one called "Cipralex". Apparently people have a better tolerance with it and less issues coming off (although you still have to some off them slowly). She's the doctor, I went with her recommendation. I noticed on my doctors note that she signed me off for "Anxiety and Depression" the first time I've acknowledged it might not just be anxiety I'm dealing with.

I decided that I couldn't in good conscience go straight home and just phone in so I went back to work. I felt I had to explain what was going on to my boss in person and I at least had to try and clear up some loose ends if I could, including the one VPN issue that started it all!

My boss was very supportive but he was naturally concerned that if I could help with anything before I left then I should. I did what I could which wasn't much and felt really guilty that I was leaving all the work to the rest of the team. I was tempted to just ignore the doctors note.

So I go back to the doctors in a weeks time to talk about longer term plans and hopefully get the all clear to go back to work.

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