It's strange, but being signed off from work has exacerbated my anxiety more than anything else. That may sound strange and you may think it would but a relief but it's not. I'm now worrying about the others in my team and how I've left them in the lurch. I now have guilt mixed in with everything else. I can't see any other way of getting out of this hole though and I know that if I turn up at work in the state I was this weeked then I'd be no good to anyone. I can't concentrate or think of anything other than what's worrying me. Because it consumes me in such an agressive manner I can't actually look at the individual problem that triggered it. If I could I'm sure I could at least shed some light on it and come up with ways around it.
Even though there's still lots to do at work I have to try and switch it off and get myself out of this situation I opened up this weekend. I've ordered a couple of self help books from Amazon to see if they have any pointers. The stupid thing is I know what causes some of the issues I have. It's negative thinking. When I allow it to happen, my mind follows the path of least resistance usually to the worst possible conclusion.
I've read a few websites this afternoon and came across this one that allows people in a similar position to write what negative thoughts they have in certain situations. I decided to add a typical one from my experiences. To someone who doesn't suffer it must just sound like unreasoned stupidity but reason doesn't come into it. I have no control of my thought patterns at the moment and this is where the problem lies.
An unusual IT problem arises at work and I don't know how to fix it.
Automatic Negative Thoughts
1 - I must fix it, I'm the boss
2 - I can't fix it, I don't know how to fix it
3 - This will cause lots of other problems and I won't know how to fix those
4 - These problems will snowball. I can't do my job. They'll fire me.
1 - I shouldn't be afraid to delegate and guide.
2- If I can't fix it then I'll find someone who can. The company may have to pay for some extra help
3 - If it causes other problems, I'll approach those the same as this one. One problem at a time.
4 - Take one problem at a time. I'm good at my job. They have no reason to fire me, problems happen!
This is just one fairly extreme example. I know the corrections but in the middle of an attack I just don't believe them. There are a couple of techniques for dealing with anxiety that I'm going to look at. One is Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) and the other is Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) both work in similar ways in that they help you address and modify your thinking patterns. NLP is supported with hypno therapy. Both seem to be very heavy but I guess it needs to be if it's to help unravel the way my mind works.
Both are available on the NHS but realistically I'm looking at a 6 month wait before being seen. My other option is to go private. Unfortunately I don't have private medical insurance and couldn't get any now that would cover this (unless anyone knows anything different!) so I'd be looking at paying anywhere from £70-£120 per session. I think this would be well worth it if it can actually find a cure for my problem.