Saturday, January 08, 2005

Bit of a "blip"

I've been stuggling with anxiety all through the planning for our new office at work and was not looking forward to going back to work this week. As it happens this week has got progressivly better with things dropping into place and me just trying to tackle tasks 1 at a time.

That was until about 4pm yesterday when we discovered a small problem with our new VPN we've got setup for our new office. I've no idea how to fix the problem at this has triggered a major bout of anxiety and worry. This kept me awake all night and I've been a complete wreck today causing me to break down frequently. There, I've admitted publicly that I'm not coping and keep breaking down in tears. How sad is that!?

Not so much because of the problem with the VPN but because it's made me see that I'm not coping at all. I'm bearly treading water and fighting not to go under. I don't know how to fix this problem at work and don't know who to turn to. Even if we do get it fixed what happens when the next propblem arises. I'm just not coping at all. All I can see ahead of me is worry.

I'm feeling very low at the moment. I've spoken to Katie about it and it upsets her that she can't do anything to help. Just by being there to hug me is enough. I'm now faced with admitting that I can't cope and need help. I'll try and make an appointment with my doctor on Monday and see if there's anything she can suggest but I have a feeling I'm going to end up back on the anti-depressants. I feel like such a failure having to turn to medication just to get through a normal day. Why can't I just switch it off like others can?

I don't want to leave my job as I do enjoy it. When we do fix problems or work around them (and we always do!) it's very rewarding. If I did something else I think it will be a whole set of other worries just in a different location. That would also be running away from my worries and not facing up to them. Although that's exactly what I feel like doing right now that would let down so many people and I can't do that.

Rhian had me in tears earlier too. I went upstairs to my bedroom to get some shoes and she written a small note for me and left it on my pillow. It read "Everythings going to be okay. Love Rhian". I didn't realise she understood so much. I really can't let her and Kira down too so I have to get through this. I just don't know how.

No comments:

Post a Comment