Twice this weekend I've been faced with remembering Katies miscarriage in 1998. It affected me quite badly at the time and every now and then something comes up that jogs my memory.
On Friday evening the conversation came round to kids and why we're so paranoid. When Katie was pregnant with Kira after the miscarriage I refused to make any plans whatsoever for fear of a repeat of what happened. I didn't want to choose names or prepare in any way. Because Kira was quite poorly when she was a baby I was scared that everything was a serious problem. So this was the first time.
And then last night we were watching the latest episode of ER on E4 and John Carter and his girlfriend Kem had a stillbirth and that was really painful to watch, not just because it was a good bit of drama but because I remember going through the trauma, the devastation and the self doubt. That was probably the start of a very low point in my life.
Happily, Kira is a little cracker now, her asthma is all but gone and I'm much more relaxed with the children.
Every now and then I still wonder - What if........